Zebra Conspiracy

This is why I'm picking up top-secret military radio signals in my tooth fillings. This is why I'm searching for flying saucer wreckage in the New Mexico desert. This is why I know that there are microphones stashed in my houseplants. Because when Randy Moss makes a clean grab for a crucial touchdown in the second quarter, the NFL zebras take it back and, when all is said and done, give the Chiefs a gift of four net points.

A defender flails around like a lost puppy while Randy calmly goes airborne, and the zebra hallunicates an infraction? It just gives me a stabbing pain right between my spleen and kidney. Do the math, add four points back on the board, and consider how it changes the complexion of the game, particularly the final drive.

I am not making excuses. The recrimination train is just leaving the station. More on that later. But before this game, I said we couldn't afford to give the Chiefs any points that weren't earned. I was talking about penalties, of course, but I hadn't factored in the officials. Why should I have to factor in the officials? And that's why, as a Raiders fan, I have four deadbolts on my front door and tin foil covering my windows.